i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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