Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
