Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize