wakey wakey hands off snakey
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
