I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
