and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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