Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
