Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
