So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
