new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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