i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize