Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
