she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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