Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
