you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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