I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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