I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
