Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize