I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
