I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
