I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
