i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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