trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
my poor anus
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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