Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
