Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I've blown a few things in my day
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
