Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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