allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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