I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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