Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
