The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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