i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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