i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
