Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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