i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize