Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
