I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
