Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
