the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
