I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
two words: eviction party
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
