you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
