i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize