Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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