The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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