I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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