This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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