If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
