yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
