I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The best revenge is premature balding
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
