I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize