don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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