The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
