someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
