If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
