Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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