We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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