im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
