Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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