You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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